Kardia Cathedral
by Divinion
Summary: It has been two years since Gray passed away, but even after all this time Natsu finds it impossible to say goodbye. [oneshot]


The sun was sinking low in the sky that bleak autumn afternoon. For weeks the citizens of Magnolia had been commenting on just how quickly it became dark, muttering of seasons changing and the shorter, colder days that lay ahead. It was leading to a time of year that was greeted with both excitement and despise. Merriment and Christmas cheer were just around the corner, stores already filling high with brightly coloured decorations and sparkling lights while burdened parents dreaded the costs. It wouldn't be long before the snow would begin to fall and fill the air with frosty patterns both precarious and beautiful, when evenings curled up with families and friends would seem more popular than wild adventures.

Natsu had always liked winter. He liked the way that the breath hissed out of his mouth like a dragon's steam. He liked the snowball fights, and the laughter that filled the air from adults and children alike. He liked the way that his friends would lean against him for warmth, and he liked that he needed nothing more in return than their grateful smiles.

Late autumn had less to be joyous about. There were still brown leaves crumbling underfoot and a musky smell of decay in the air. The beautiful bright colours were fading, the animals were starting to scurry away, and time passed slowly towards the growing nights.

The streetlamps were glittering awake that quiet October evening. One by one they fluttered a yellow light against the heavy grey clouds, helping to guide Natsu all the way to Kardia Cathedral. As he stared at the huge towers piercing the dismal sky, even he could feel the intimidating majesty of the grand building. Of all the Gods and godslayers that Fairy Tail had fought over the years, supposedly none came close to the power which resided in these huge walls. But as he approached quiet sculptures and empty glass windows, he couldn't help feeling completely alone.

The streetlamps could only lead him so far. The path around the grand building was overgrown and laced in shadows. While there were faint glimmers of candles being lit on the other side of the stained-glass windows, nothing was bright enough to light his way, forcing him to walk with only smell, touch and sound to guide him. It didn't take long to find what he was after; the cold sensation heavy metal gates. They squeaked loudly through the silence as he pushed them open.

"Sir!" There was a hoarse voice. "Sir, it's turning nightfall. We'll be locking up-"

"I won't be long," the dragon slayer promised.

The old man raised the lantern in his hands, the light inside shaking and throwing shadows around the familiar face. "Sorry, Natsu, I didn't recognise you there. You know, I'm not supposed to be letting anyone in tonight. Have to do some maintenance work," he explained, stepping forward with his jingling keys. But as his shaking hands reached to grasp the gate, he saw Natsu's own tightened onto the rusty metal bars. Lowering the lantern, the light shifting just enough for him to catch something intense in the young boy's gaze.

The old man paused. Slowly, he gave a solemn nod. "But if you ever need to visit, you know you just need to ask," he said with a soft smile. With his kind words he extended out his hand, the flaming lantern given as a token as of goodwill.

The dragon slayer blinked, not quite processing the gift for a few seconds. "Thanks," he said eventually, taking the lantern and pulling it close to chest. He could feel the heat of the flame tapping against the glass shields, giving him the comfort to smile gratefully. "As I said, I won't be long…"

The old man nodded and waved him off, muttering to himself along the way.

The last thing Natsu had wanted was to feel a ticking clock against him, but he had already known he wouldn't be able to stay long. His body was starting to turn against him. Goosebumps tingled against his arms and sweat blotched his forehead, regardless of the cool air. His hands gripped tighter around the lantern as he clenched his teeth, carefully trying to decipher where to place each step. The grassy walkways and towering stones all looked identical. It was an endless labyrinth that he knew all too well, even if his feet were reluctant to lead him. Every step seemed weaker than the last. Even once standing in front of the grave it felt like he would fall to his knees.

He stood still, as he had done so many times before. He read the name over and over again, as if somehow in the last two years it had vanished, changed, disintegrated from painful memories. It hadn't. It was still there. Deeply buried in the solid rock. For eternity.

_IN LOVING MEMORY_

_Gray Fullbuster_

Below were inscribed messages that Natsu knew by heart: Dates and ages which didn't match after their frozen seven years. A goodbye to a friend that would always be in their hearts. Promises of memories that would not be forgotten. The symbol of Fairy Tail. It had taken Natsu several months to keep his eyes dry enough to read each part in turn. He didn't need to read them again today.

"Hey."

Almost too casually, he folded his legs and sat in front of the grave, the lantern dropped onto the ground beside him. The earth was damp and cold, laced with the earthy smell of decaying leaves, but he ignored it. There were more unpleasant feelings.

"Long time no speak," he began, his voice awkwardly loud against the empty church grounds even in its whisper. He didn't seem to notice. "Sorry, I've been pretty busy, you know? Erza has us running around doing missions, Lucy's rent money is running down _again_ and…" he trailed off, giving a sheepish smile. "I guess some things haven't really changed, have they?"

Silence.

After two long years, he thought that he'd have learned a little better. He'd hoped by now he'd stop ending all of his sentences with questions and feeling the heartbreak all over again when there was no answer. A lump was in his throat already. He wouldn't stay long.

"Erza still looks after you, you know that?" he continued, his volume dropping with every word as breathing became harder. Another question, but one that he could quickly talk his way through. "She had a fit when I said that I hadn't been here in a few months. I think she just thinks I'll go back to how it was when you… you know…" He looked away. That taboo word was etched onto hundreds of the gravestones around him, whispered on the air with a foul smell, but that didn't make it easier to say out loud. "That was a long time ago though. It's not like back then, it's not like I can just _deny_ that it happened! Not when you're… you know… _here_…" He gestured at the cold wet ground and the solid stone pillar, his unquestionable evidence.

The 'accused' stayed quiet.

He swallowed. "Yeah. That's… what I thought…" he said under his breath, looking away again as he contemplated leaving.

He'd done well today. Some days he would be rendered speechless just standing in this spot, left with a weight in the bottom of his stomach reminding him of the empty hole inside. Other days, it helped, just a little. After some brief words, the catch up and the confirmation things were still the same way they always would be, he would stand and leave. If he was lucky, he would even feel like he had been listened to, and that selfish bastard was just being quiet again. He would never leave the graveyard happy, but sometimes he would feel a little more peace than when he'd arrived.

Today, however, those few words just weren't enough. Even as every fibre of his being wanted to walk away, he was held in place. There was a reason he was here. The same reason he hadn't been here for so long. It was as if there were a pair of haunting eyes staring at him from the shadows, waiting for him to voice it out loud. He only wished there was a face to punch instead.

He shifted uncomfortably, feeling the damp seeping into his trousers. It was growing darker by the second, and the indented name was barely legible in the flickering candlelight. Not that he noticed. Not that he wanted to read it. He stubbornly watched the gentle breeze blowing the empty branches overhead, the shadows stretching around the climbing weeds, anywhere but the grave before him.

"In two weeks' time, you'll have been gone for two years. That's a long time. A really, really long time," he drew in a shaking breath. "And… last time I lost someone for that long, it turned out that they weren't really dead…"

He pulled his fingers through his hair. It was a ridiculous thing to say or think or feel. He hadn't said it out loud to anyone, not even Happy. But that didn't mean it hadn't been on his mind. Every moment of every day, a distant humming, wishing that this was the same. As the idea became louder and louder, it was harder and harder to ignore. Now it was nearly a scream, pouring into his ears with painful hope.

"I know that doesn't make any sense, but I want it to!" he said, his voice somehow stronger and more broken at the same time. He was no longer whispering, his loud pleas echoing through the slumbering spirits. "I keep thinking about it. How Lisanna came back. I thought that she was gone, just like you! But she wasn't!"

The idea scratched at his chest and blurred his vision. It haunted him every day. He was on his knees before his best friend, begging the impossible. His body trembling. His heart racing. He had every reason to give into that hope, even if he had every reason to believe the same message that pressed against every one of these gravestones.

"So… If you aren't really dead - if there's a way you're coming back then-then now is the time to do it! Because I can't-" he choked, pushing out a hand against the cold rock to steady himself. Everything shifted out of focus but the stone before him, blurring as his eyes filled with tears.

"We really need you, Gray."

Only too late did he realise that he'd broken his simple rule, the one word that was worse than mentioning the terrible incident of two years ago: he said his name. In a flashing stab of emotion, it all became real. His hand pressed against the etched words, reluctantly soaking them in.

_In loving memory…_

Hot tears ran down his cheeks as if it was the very first time he'd read them.

_Gray Fullbuster…_

It had been _two years_. He wasn't supposed to feel like this anymore, broken and sobbing and begging him not to be dead. The old cold twisting through his bones and sending shooting pains through his chest. It was unfair. It was unjustified. He should have been through the worst; every tear should have been shed. There had already been too many.

He couldn't bring himself to talk, not for a long time. Every time he tried, he trembled and shook his head. The world needed to stop spinning. The hope that had always kept him going was now his worst enemy, reminding him of every other time things looked dire and how Fairy Tail always found a way. Fairy Tail always survived. Fairy Tail always won.

The dark clouds were growing heavier and closer, the candlelight of the lantern was weakening, but still he didn't move. Somehow, he was being beaten by a ghost, one that should have relinquished power over him years ago.

"I guess Erza might have had a point…" he admitted, his head down in defeat as he thought of her kind-hearted warning. At the time he hadn't understood why she was so adamant that he should come here; his denial had always been far stronger than his common sense. Now at least he could appreciate her loving reprimands, her firm concern bringing a soft smile back to Natsu's face. He wished he'd listened sooner.

Slowly, he pulled himself back to his feet. The way he would poise himself half way through a battle, when he had been beaten and bruised and ready to take one last stand to victory. "Maybe I just really want the chance to beat you… One last time… But that's not going to happen, is it?" he told his rival, holding his breath for one last chance to be heard.

Another question. Another silence. Another minute of darkness. The way it always would be.

The dirt etched into his white trousers, his face was sticky, and hair twisted into weird directions. Brushing his eyes with his scarf, he ignored as the scales lightly scratched the red skin. He was a mess. At least it showed inside and out. This feeling wasn't uncurling from his chest, no matter how hard he tried. This would be another day that nothing would be enough, he would leave more hurt than before and he'd question why he even tried. But every word seemed to prod that pain, prying it looser. Maybe someday, it would be enough.

The lantern was dying down, there was barely a star in the sky to guide him and the old man would be expecting him to return soon. Even if it didn't seem like it now, the world was still moving forwards as it always had. Tomorrow the sun would rise to another dreary day, but there would be another notice on the job board. Erza would berate them about training harder and faster than ever before, as was now her tradition for this time of year. This would suit Lucy fine, as her money seemed to drift freely from her grasp, while Wendy and Charlie would be thankful for the company. Happy would be by Natsu's side almost relentlessly, save times like these when a few hours were needed to himself. Time marched forward, regardless of who marched alongside. And Natsu would be there to lead its way. He would leap into the unknown, laugh when hearts needed to be lifted, fight when his loved ones needed to be protected. Most importantly, he wouldn't let anyone get left behind. Not again.


End file.
